Did you ever feel like your life is having Dejavu? “This all seems so familiar; I have been here before; how did I allow this to happen again?”
You can be going around until your dizzy enough to break the cycle, and say enough! Redemption can only happen when one truly accepts that they are to blame for the madness they have caused.
I remember always wanting to blame anyone, just one person for the way my life wound up. “It was the school who failed me; or the crappy job who would not pay me enough”. Some even begin to blame G-d but honestly every choice we make places us in the life we now possess.
You will never have peace until you assume the responsibility for your actions, and restore the damage you have done by changing it. I remember crying to my now teens because I realized I was the reason for allowing our lives to be in poverty. I had a choice to return to school, or reverse our life at any time but instead I wasted precious time.
We went in and out of homeless shelters, and moved so many times I almost lost count. I remember realizing the time to stop waiting on “someone else” to rescue me was now. G-d created us with the ability to think, and He gave us wisdom to live our lives according to His design. I actually learned this from studying Torah, and Judasim. What really impacted my heart was Ezekiel 33, and when G-d told Kayin/Cain in Genesis/Bereishis that sin wanted him but he could master it.
I remember what I learned in religion was totally opposite of what Torah actually said. I thought mankind were helpless individuals who could never get it right, and so it fed my vicious cycle. Religion is so dead, and I was consumed by it! I remember how dead I felt. Then I realized that life is new everyday, and every action; thought; or deed can multiply like a ripple in the water. I realized that the world is in a constant state of renewal, and creation. New life is born every day; the sun rises every day. I wanted to be a part of this life, I wanted to make a difference. I knew that I had an obligation to everyone around me, and my community.
When I really reflected I thought of how some of my Grandparents, or Great Grands are immigrants. They came to this Country with a sense of hope, and dreams to change the future generations. I thought of my Parents struggles too! I started realizing my connection to them, and I did not want to kill their dreams. I recently found my Grandfather may be an Ashkenazi Jew because of the surname “Schramm”, and now the heartache I felt was even greater. I was already considering converting to Judaism so I had a deep love for keeping the traditions alive.
I cried a long hearty cry that day, and said to my G-d; my ancestors; my parents; I will not fail you. I promise to get it together, and make restitution for what I have undone. I truly believe that day was a day of redemption for me. I feel that our ancestors connect all the way back and each generation lays a piece of the bridge we are building, whenever we realize this it is like connecting with them in a way no one can. When we join the restoration of humanity, and join our creators plan our ancestors live with us right in those moments.
I since have gone on to receive my GED, and I am currently preparing to enroll in college. The tuition will be my biggest feat but I know the G-d of Avraham is with me. My major will be journalism, my style will be humanitarian. With the help of my G-d I will travel the world bringing the hidden stories that need to be heard. I choose to be a voice for humanity; a shoulder to cry on; a comforting embrace to those who need it. I want to give everything I have gained away to the world, I want to share my struggles.
I truly feel all of my failures had a purpose too!
Mislei/Proverbs 3:11-12 says~
My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD, neither spurn thou His correction;
For whom the LORD loveth He correcteth,
even as a father the son in whom he delighteth. ~ this is courtesy of http://www.mechon-mamre.org/p/pt/pt2803.htm
Every action has a consequence good or bad. Just like you make rules in your home if your child were to break it they would be disciplined. Discipline shares a root word with disciple, it is supposed to teach us so we can change. So all of my mistakes brought consequences but they taught me, and motivated me to change.
So will you rise with me? Will you stop the cycle?
I hope to see you soon